It's going to be a long, long summer
Jun. 8th, 2003 04:12 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
teaberryblueIt's not the same. :( It's not that I don't love all of y'all in DotG, cause I do, and last week was some kickass fun. This isn't about the game,damned if I stop playing, I'm not gonna do that, but sometimes I fele like I'm just playing because I can't stop playing while sara's gone and because it's my job to help things along in the meantime, but when you spend more than half the day every day writing with someone and then suddenly you're *not* and you have to make up stuff to do...well, it's really lonely.
i've been in this position before, but usually my games have died off, you know, slowly, like people'll start posting less, get bored, so on, so there's kind of like a buffer period and by the time you're not writing, it's like, oh, well, guess that's over with, and then you start checking in less and less frequently. Even if you're not the one who stops first, if you're not the one who gets bored, and you're disappointed it's dying, it's like, oh well, and you know it's coming. This I knew was coming, but it's still hitting me like a brick, and it's theoretically temporary. I've never been in that situation before, where I was writing with someone, and it was like boom! over, and there was a supposition it'd continue later. Right now of course I'm hoping it's easy enough to pick back up again, but that's going to be months from now, and, well, when the time comes around, is it going to be? I mean, it's entirely possible that one or neither of us'll wanna do it anymore and I can't imagine that being true now, but now is NOT three months from now, and I guess if we don't pick it up in three months, it won't be as hard then, but there's anxiety about it now. I've had so many other projects completely killed by vacations or hiatuses or trips or being out of touch for extended periods. Hell, my last two-person story before college went awry because the guy I was writing with lost his computer to a breakup. He tried to get online every once in a while, and we talked on the phone, but by the time he got a computer back, neither of us could get back into it and I really don't want that to happen again.
Yeah, so if I'm morose or unresponsive now and again, I'm sorry. Figure it'll last a few weeks, and hopefully by then I'll have found some other ways to occupy my time and I'll be used to not writing constantly or having sara around to talk to and I'll actually be willing to consider the fact that those other possible ways to occupy myself could be just as fun or productive or whatever. I mean, I literally gave up my social life to write over the past year. People think that gamers, roleplayers, whatever, are dorks who don't have lives, who don't go out, who don't HAVE friends to go out with, but before I got into dotg I used to go out LOADS...at very least to the openings, and usually to plenty of other stuff besides. I *chose* to stop doing that stuff because I wanted to write...not just with sara, but with a LOT of the dotg folks, but writing the *big freakin' story* really changed that, from me having to decide whether going out was worth missing roleplaying to wincing at the thought of parties I was expected to go to. For the past few months, I've probably talked to sara more than anyone else besides mikey...probably more than my parents and definitely more than ANY of my RL friends (who all think I've dropped of the face of the earth). So it's really hard, even ignoring the writing part. I miss her tons. I keep freaking crying at work which really sucks, at least I can hide behind my monitor and no one can see.
Sara's right near Siena, which was where I was just a little over a year ago when I resolved to start writing again. If I hadn't gone to Siena, I wouldn't have picked up my notebook. I wouldn't have visited Sheroes. I wouldn't have ever seen the DotG site. We probably wouldn't really have crossed paths to the extent that we did. I told her I was jealous, but I think I'm more jealous of the city than I am of her.
i've been in this position before, but usually my games have died off, you know, slowly, like people'll start posting less, get bored, so on, so there's kind of like a buffer period and by the time you're not writing, it's like, oh, well, guess that's over with, and then you start checking in less and less frequently. Even if you're not the one who stops first, if you're not the one who gets bored, and you're disappointed it's dying, it's like, oh well, and you know it's coming. This I knew was coming, but it's still hitting me like a brick, and it's theoretically temporary. I've never been in that situation before, where I was writing with someone, and it was like boom! over, and there was a supposition it'd continue later. Right now of course I'm hoping it's easy enough to pick back up again, but that's going to be months from now, and, well, when the time comes around, is it going to be? I mean, it's entirely possible that one or neither of us'll wanna do it anymore and I can't imagine that being true now, but now is NOT three months from now, and I guess if we don't pick it up in three months, it won't be as hard then, but there's anxiety about it now. I've had so many other projects completely killed by vacations or hiatuses or trips or being out of touch for extended periods. Hell, my last two-person story before college went awry because the guy I was writing with lost his computer to a breakup. He tried to get online every once in a while, and we talked on the phone, but by the time he got a computer back, neither of us could get back into it and I really don't want that to happen again.
Yeah, so if I'm morose or unresponsive now and again, I'm sorry. Figure it'll last a few weeks, and hopefully by then I'll have found some other ways to occupy my time and I'll be used to not writing constantly or having sara around to talk to and I'll actually be willing to consider the fact that those other possible ways to occupy myself could be just as fun or productive or whatever. I mean, I literally gave up my social life to write over the past year. People think that gamers, roleplayers, whatever, are dorks who don't have lives, who don't go out, who don't HAVE friends to go out with, but before I got into dotg I used to go out LOADS...at very least to the openings, and usually to plenty of other stuff besides. I *chose* to stop doing that stuff because I wanted to write...not just with sara, but with a LOT of the dotg folks, but writing the *big freakin' story* really changed that, from me having to decide whether going out was worth missing roleplaying to wincing at the thought of parties I was expected to go to. For the past few months, I've probably talked to sara more than anyone else besides mikey...probably more than my parents and definitely more than ANY of my RL friends (who all think I've dropped of the face of the earth). So it's really hard, even ignoring the writing part. I miss her tons. I keep freaking crying at work which really sucks, at least I can hide behind my monitor and no one can see.
Sara's right near Siena, which was where I was just a little over a year ago when I resolved to start writing again. If I hadn't gone to Siena, I wouldn't have picked up my notebook. I wouldn't have visited Sheroes. I wouldn't have ever seen the DotG site. We probably wouldn't really have crossed paths to the extent that we did. I told her I was jealous, but I think I'm more jealous of the city than I am of her.
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maybe you're too emotional right now, but..
Date: 2003-06-08 04:01 am (UTC)i guess the answer lies in everyone's priorities and needs in life, but as an artist who's been carrying on a project for more than two years now and who's spent lots of creativity, concentration, thought, time and resources on it but still is (sorely? happily?) quite detached from it, i'm really, sincerely curious
btw, i hope you feel better soon :) i would like to give you a big hug
Re: maybe you're too emotional right now, but..
Date: 2003-06-08 09:20 am (UTC)i tend to be the sort of person who, when i *do* have a project that i'm extremely invested in, i work on it nonstop and don't stop till it's finished. i'm fairly obsessed with productivity-- i don't like being in places where i can't be working on something, i get very anxious over time spent that doesn't have a reciprocal "finished product." so to have working on one thing nonstop, have it not be finished, and be forced to put it aside without being finished is really, really aggravating. then you have to compoud that with the fact that i'm also cut off completely not only from the person i was working with on it, but also from someone i consider to be one of my best friends, and the person who, if i were stuck not being able to work on something under normal conditions, would be the person i'd be talking to about it.
i'm also at a point in my life where i'm trying to make a serious decision about whether i really want to write, seriously, which is a very difficult decision to make-- it means giving up a lot of the benefits of my current sitution. so trying to make that decision when the biggest project i've been working on is on the shelf makes it even more difficult.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-06-08 09:31 am (UTC)That was really sad... I'm tearing up right now, I'm not kidding.
I miss Sara too, but of course I'm not NEARLY as close to her as you are and I don't talk to her all that much except when I have a question about DotG. So I don't really know what you're going through because I think a lot of me just misses her as a GM of a game I play in - moreover, a game I've only played in for about three months.
I guess I don't really understand the connection some people on Sheroes and on DotG have made online because I haven't been around DotG long enough to really make connections with people and Sheroes is so big I don't really know that I know much of anyone, especially since I don't go into the chat much anymore and I don't have big super issues that I need to talk to people about. So I'm still sometimes kind of in awe of the friendships people have been able to build through these communities.
I really hope you don't mope too much. Don't get too down. You can always IM or email me and talk about Barney (who is still alive and kicking, by the way - I haven't let anyone get a hold of him to throw him out). I know it won't be nearly as fun as talking to someone you know a lot better, but pink balloons can do amazing things sometimes to lift your spirits.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-06-08 01:15 pm (UTC)Honestly, I can't see you and Sara ditching any storyline. Time apart might just give you... fresh inspiration. Or something, I dunno, I kinda suck at this sort of thing.
*hugs for tea*
(no subject)
Date: 2003-06-08 06:29 pm (UTC)*hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2003-06-09 07:42 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-06-09 07:56 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-06-14 03:37 am (UTC)I miss writing too. I've been sitting down a couple of times a week just to pound out some stuff, mostly just lorcy and eidan so far, but I'm going to get more into it as I adjust to the whole, uhhh, time zone thing. and we WILL keep writing. I enjoy it far too much to stop. seven more weeks, that's all it is, and maybe I'll even get some of the galla stuff down by then.