(no subject)

[teaberryblue]

i don't know.

it seems every time i turn away and spend time doing something else, my 'netfriends all have bad things happen. and then i feel guilty because i wasn't there for them to talk to or to at least know what's going on and i feel stupid and out of the loop and i don't wanna be pushy and say "oh, now i have time for you, won't you let me back in, yeah yeah?"

people are not just entertainment.

it's so easy to get lost.

i feel exhausted. drained. i am not moving inside. and yet i feel like i have nothing to show for it. i have solved some problems, made some small strides, but all for myself, not for anyone else.

maybe i am truly afraid of people. or maybe i'm afraid for people. maybe i'm afraid that things that include me won't be perfect, and so i reject them outright because rejecting is something i can control. if i say no and get none then i've controlled it. i don't want to play and do a half-assed job; i'd rather drop it outright.

maybe my stomach is growling.

i want to care so much.