tea berry-blue

Okay,

Went back to the doctor. He said all my side effects are pretty normal and nothing to worry about, and for the most part they've subsided, other than the sleepiness.

I talked to him a bit more about stuff. The main stuff being the fact that I keep feeling guilty for things or that people are mad at me or that things are my fault. he said that's normal, too. The weirdest thing is that I'm becoming more and more aware that my emotional responses are irrational and while I've been getting upset less (maybe reallyupset once a weekish), I've been getting really upset and sitting there thinking, damn, I shouldn't be upset about this, this is a really stupid thing to be upset about, and get mad at myself for being upset. Real super behavior, I know. It's funny to be analytical about your own emotions, is all.

I mentioned to my mom maybe spending time at home for a while after I leave work, and before I figure out where I want to be. I just feel like I need to make sure I get taken care of, it's weird to fee this helpless. I think my parents are pretty cool with that, it must be weird for them to be getting a full house just as they were expecting to be rid of children.

So anyway, funny thing happened today which was an important lesson in cultureal differences. My mother's cleaning woman, who is Latina, though I'm not sure from where, was over to clean. I hadn't seen her in a while, so we said hi, talked for a few minutes, when she said,

"You look so skinny!"
I said, "Yeah, I lost weight."
She said, "That's okay, you look good anyway."

The average Caucasian (usually Jewish or Italian) New Yorker response to someone losing a lot of weight, even when it's obviously a health concern, is "Oh my god, you look great, you've lost so much weight, blahblah."

So I found this kind of amusing.

My mom wants to take me away for a week after Christmas. Somewhere in the Americas or Europe, not too long a flight, where neither of us have been, I think were the requirements. She wanted to know if there was anywhere I really, really wanted to go, but I'm a bit at a loss.

Oh, and from my perspective: I'd like to go somewhere not too cold or dismal, with interesting historical stuff to look at.

Any suggestions?

Okay,

Went back to the doctor. He said all my side effects are pretty normal and nothing to worry about, and for the most part they've subsided, other than the sleepiness.

I talked to him a bit more about stuff. The main stuff being the fact that I keep feeling guilty for things or that people are mad at me or that things are my fault. he said that's normal, too. The weirdest thing is that I'm becoming more and more aware that my emotional responses are irrational and while I've been getting upset less (maybe reallyupset once a weekish), I've been getting really upset and sitting there thinking, damn, I shouldn't be upset about this, this is a really stupid thing to be upset about, and get mad at myself for being upset. Real super behavior, I know. It's funny to be analytical about your own emotions, is all.

I mentioned to my mom maybe spending time at home for a while after I leave work, and before I figure out where I want to be. I just feel like I need to make sure I get taken care of, it's weird to fee this helpless. I think my parents are pretty cool with that, it must be weird for them to be getting a full house just as they were expecting to be rid of children.

So anyway, funny thing happened today which was an important lesson in cultureal differences. My mother's cleaning woman, who is Latina, though I'm not sure from where, was over to clean. I hadn't seen her in a while, so we said hi, talked for a few minutes, when she said,

"You look so skinny!"
I said, "Yeah, I lost weight."
She said, "That's okay, you look good anyway."

The average Caucasian (usually Jewish or Italian) New Yorker response to someone losing a lot of weight, even when it's obviously a health concern, is "Oh my god, you look great, you've lost so much weight, blahblah."

So I found this kind of amusing.

My mom wants to take me away for a week after Christmas. Somewhere in the Americas or Europe, not too long a flight, where neither of us have been, I think were the requirements. She wanted to know if there was anywhere I really, really wanted to go, but I'm a bit at a loss.

Oh, and from my perspective: I'd like to go somewhere not too cold or dismal, with interesting historical stuff to look at.

Any suggestions?

i don't know.

it seems every time i turn away and spend time doing something else, my 'netfriends all have bad things happen. and then i feel guilty because i wasn't there for them to talk to or to at least know what's going on and i feel stupid and out of the loop and i don't wanna be pushy and say "oh, now i have time for you, won't you let me back in, yeah yeah?"

people are not just entertainment.

it's so easy to get lost.

i feel exhausted. drained. i am not moving inside. and yet i feel like i have nothing to show for it. i have solved some problems, made some small strides, but all for myself, not for anyone else.

maybe i am truly afraid of people. or maybe i'm afraid for people. maybe i'm afraid that things that include me won't be perfect, and so i reject them outright because rejecting is something i can control. if i say no and get none then i've controlled it. i don't want to play and do a half-assed job; i'd rather drop it outright.

maybe my stomach is growling.

i want to care so much.

all in all, i had a pretty lousy day. work was very lousy. i didn't get half enough work done. that always disappoints me. i even took some home and worked here until midnight and didn't get as much done as i would have liked to. and since i was working, i hardly wrote anything, either. that sucks.

when i left work i wanted to come up with some way i could have some kind of accident-- not something that would harm me permanently, but that would put me out of commission for a while so i wouldn't have to deal with things. that sucked. the things i could think of that would definitely achieve the latter were things that i couldn't guarantee wouldn't achieve the former. that sucked, too.

i need to write more. i've only done 2pp tonight.

i did set up the RPG, though.

i'm going home to my parents' today. i feel sick and i need to talk to them about my recent fucked-upped-ness.

tea

i'm going home to my parents' today. i feel sick and i need to talk to them about my recent fucked-upped-ness.

tea