(no subject)

[teaberryblue]

i don't know.

it seems every time i turn away and spend time doing something else, my 'netfriends all have bad things happen. and then i feel guilty because i wasn't there for them to talk to or to at least know what's going on and i feel stupid and out of the loop and i don't wanna be pushy and say "oh, now i have time for you, won't you let me back in, yeah yeah?"

people are not just entertainment.

it's so easy to get lost.

i feel exhausted. drained. i am not moving inside. and yet i feel like i have nothing to show for it. i have solved some problems, made some small strides, but all for myself, not for anyone else.

maybe i am truly afraid of people. or maybe i'm afraid for people. maybe i'm afraid that things that include me won't be perfect, and so i reject them outright because rejecting is something i can control. if i say no and get none then i've controlled it. i don't want to play and do a half-assed job; i'd rather drop it outright.

maybe my stomach is growling.

i want to care so much.

Comments

[teleportingia.livejournal.com]

aw, tea. don't feel so...crummy. we all have our good days and bad days; besides, would something completely perfect be fun? interesting?

if it makes you feel any better (it probably won't, but...) i feel the same way too, sometimes, so there you go.

*offers tea e-oranges and loving vibes*

[keladry.livejournal.com]

Don't stress yourself too much over it, tea. Sometimes you just have to solve things for yourself before you can care too much about anybody else. I agree that friends, net or RL, shouldn't be just entertainment, but it's not as if you're dropping friends 'cos you're bored with them... I think everybody understands that at the moment you need time for yourself.