tea berry-blue

It's not the same. :( It's not that I don't love all of y'all in DotG, cause I do, and last week was some kickass fun. This isn't about the game,damned if I stop playing, I'm not gonna do that, but sometimes I fele like I'm just playing because I can't stop playing while sara's gone and because it's my job to help things along in the meantime, but when you spend more than half the day every day writing with someone and then suddenly you're *not* and you have to make up stuff to do...well, it's really lonely.

i've been in this position before, but usually my games have died off, you know, slowly, like people'll start posting less, get bored, so on, so there's kind of like a buffer period and by the time you're not writing, it's like, oh, well, guess that's over with, and then you start checking in less and less frequently. Even if you're not the one who stops first, if you're not the one who gets bored, and you're disappointed it's dying, it's like, oh well, and you know it's coming. This I knew was coming, but it's still hitting me like a brick, and it's theoretically temporary. I've never been in that situation before, where I was writing with someone, and it was like boom! over, and there was a supposition it'd continue later. Right now of course I'm hoping it's easy enough to pick back up again, but that's going to be months from now, and, well, when the time comes around, is it going to be? I mean, it's entirely possible that one or neither of us'll wanna do it anymore and I can't imagine that being true now, but now is NOT three months from now, and I guess if we don't pick it up in three months, it won't be as hard then, but there's anxiety about it now. I've had so many other projects completely killed by vacations or hiatuses or trips or being out of touch for extended periods. Hell, my last two-person story before college went awry because the guy I was writing with lost his computer to a breakup. He tried to get online every once in a while, and we talked on the phone, but by the time he got a computer back, neither of us could get back into it and I really don't want that to happen again.

Yeah, so if I'm morose or unresponsive now and again, I'm sorry. Figure it'll last a few weeks, and hopefully by then I'll have found some other ways to occupy my time and I'll be used to not writing constantly or having sara around to talk to and I'll actually be willing to consider the fact that those other possible ways to occupy myself could be just as fun or productive or whatever. I mean, I literally gave up my social life to write over the past year. People think that gamers, roleplayers, whatever, are dorks who don't have lives, who don't go out, who don't HAVE friends to go out with, but before I got into dotg I used to go out LOADS...at very least to the openings, and usually to plenty of other stuff besides. I *chose* to stop doing that stuff because I wanted to write...not just with sara, but with a LOT of the dotg folks, but writing the *big freakin' story* really changed that, from me having to decide whether going out was worth missing roleplaying to wincing at the thought of parties I was expected to go to. For the past few months, I've probably talked to sara more than anyone else besides mikey...probably more than my parents and definitely more than ANY of my RL friends (who all think I've dropped of the face of the earth). So it's really hard, even ignoring the writing part. I miss her tons. I keep freaking crying at work which really sucks, at least I can hide behind my monitor and no one can see.

Sara's right near Siena, which was where I was just a little over a year ago when I resolved to start writing again. If I hadn't gone to Siena, I wouldn't have picked up my notebook. I wouldn't have visited Sheroes. I wouldn't have ever seen the DotG site. We probably wouldn't really have crossed paths to the extent that we did. I told her I was jealous, but I think I'm more jealous of the city than I am of her.

only three people can see this message.









firespiders.

cam really needs to join dotg.

yes he does.

i got my period a couple days early and totally abruptly, no warning signs or anything. which means i'm wearing cute new panties with little kittens on them and the poor kittens are going to look like a bloody mess. and *then* i got the cramps, full on. and *then* my right hip decided that right now was a good time to hurt when i walk, for no apparent reason. my painkillers aren't working and my hip hurts too much to go buy chocolate to alleviate the problem.

and i have a stiff neck.

rosie signed on but then disappeared. i'm sure she got kicked off her computer or something. it made me super sad because aiko and jammy were going to talk. aiko misses jammy and she needs to have a friend again badly. *and* orrie and jammy *were* talking. all so sad. rosie, i miss you!

and now i feel like crap and i just want to curl up in a little ball. ouchies.

so, a few nights ago i colored the pic of kataly that is now one of my new user pics, and i was insanely happy with it. i haven't done coloring in aaaaaaages, it takes too long, i usually think, and i drew in b/w for so long that i always tell myself i don't like color (though, ha, if i don't like color, what was i thinking when i did the louise brooks doll, which i guess i should send to dov soon...but i digress, oh but that is why i used parentheses).

i realized i did like color; i loved the way it made k.'s little pencil sketch look like a painting...most people who color analogs do line drawings and then color and shade them entirely in p-shop, which i think i'm inept at, mostly because i don't really cartoon...i became enamored of the way the "paint" looked mixed with pencil, with grayscale shading overlaid on airbrushed color. i loved the way it made kataly's hair and lips and scars look...oh.

so then last night while aiko was talking to everett i drew a pic of him, and then i colored that one too. i'm really digging the colors. it was a nice sketch, but colored...his hair looked freakin' awesome. coloring it in made it go from looking like a nice sketch to looking like a real illustration, an "if i could color an entire scene in this fashion it could amount to something" which is sort of exciting to me.

resolution 1.

purchase a decent scanner

resolution 2.

better yet, your birthday is less than a month away, tea.

resolution 3.

practice drawing more.

maybe when i get home from work i'll post sketch-ev and colored-ev here just for the purposes of y'all being able to understand what this is doing to me.

okay, this is lame but this is still making me cry.

"Plus, Namir would have liked you."

*cries*

so aiko jumped off the roof last night and cut her arm up. this caused a few amusing problems.

i think i need to create a journal just for aiko. maybe i'll make a friends-only group so all the rest of my friends don't have to hear about fictional people you don't know.

i'm going to meet DM and krys tonight! i was going to make paper plate masks of our RP chars so we could take funny pics but i never got to a store to by yarn for hair. oh well. this is going to be fun!

i'm feeling terribly antisocial. my parents want me to come out for the 4th. i don't particularly want to go anywhere. mikey is pushing me to go out there because he thinks someone is going to nuke manhattan on the 4th or something. oy. i feel bad being antisocial toward the rents but i can't help it. my mom's response was "i understand. you've been like that all your life."

i'm so excited about the chat section of the RP for DotG! mucho mucho excited. i love my character on the message boards but the problem with her is that i personally enjoy coming up with revenge plots and pranks and snide remarks and such, and i write a character who is too nice to even THINK those sorts of things. i'm going to have to wait eight years before she gets to do anything like that. so my new character is a prankster. i just adore him. he's exactly the sort of boy i wish i'd known in high school. or maybe i did, hehe. nah. he's really an amalgam of a bunch of people.

i've realized i don't draw half enough. my drawing skills in college were far stronger than they are now. i need to practice a lot more.

umm. other things. no. no other things. black bean tortilla chips are good

this is the RPG i'm playing. i got the moody pretentious evil one. since the graphic isn't showing up, it's everett. go see who you are. try to guess which character i play.

which DOTG character are you? ahem, jamie says i left out HOT. i got the moody pretentious evil HOT one. is that better?